Why blog?

Deep confession

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 14:22:00 -0500

Quote of the week in case you missed it: “After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.” Nelson Mandela

I have some confessing to do. I always wonder who reads what I write and if it matters at all. Then I get random phone calls and e-mails from strangers and I am reaffirmed that anything we say that supports others, builds others up, or brings God glory is NOT wasted.

About six months ago I met with my therapist just to tell her we were moving and thanks for all the help, all that kind of stuff. She had only two concerns she wanted to share with me. First, if and when I would cycle downward into depression of any kind again, would I seek out help? Secondly, she was concerned that my biggest fear, deep down in places I don’t like to think about, is that I’m a fraud. It took me about two seconds to understand what she meant. I speak to different kinds of groups in a public setting, giving my testimony of how God’s sustained me during depression and how I’ve been healed of it. When I get to share personally with people I often tell them, “Yes, it will get better, there is hope. You won’t always feel this way.” I don’t feel like I’ve lied or misrepresented my faith at all, but let me tell you, I’ve struggled with depression, long after the biggest episode of my life had waned. I don’t want people to think that it can’t come back or that it never has.

I have such a heavy heart and I feel like I must share it with you. I am in a very bizarre state. I feel like I’m grieving so many things at once, I can’t see straight. The death of my aunt, merely ten days after we moved out of state, has rocked my world. I can’t remember ever in my life being so angry. I am not angry with God, I’m just angry. I feel so sad that she isn’t part of my life any more, I don’t know what to do. She is still on my cell phone as a contact and several times I’ve started to dial her up...only to realize she wasn’t there. She’s the person I would call when I wanted to be cheered up or share great news. She listened without judging and only had positive things to say to me. Carolyn being gone has left me empty and numb at times. Furthermore, when I’m sad and angry I cry. I cry a lot. I cry at the oddest times and sometimes I wait til I’m in the car, alone, to cry for fifteen minutes. It’s like there aren’t enough tears. I’m also grieving the loss of close friends and church community. When we left MN in June I had no idea how it would impact me. I have so many friends that I dearly miss. Minnesotans are strange people as a whole... to me at least. When I visited a few weeks ago so we could pack up our house...not too many of my friends acted like they missed me. I am sure that’s not true, they just have such weird ways of not showing their feelings. I’ve never lived anywhere where girlfriends didn’t hug. In all the time I lived there I think I received two hugs, I’m not joking! So that was hard to see a bunch of friends and then have to leave again and come back to a place where I feel terribly alone. We’ve visited a church where I feel virtually invisible. Most of my neighbors are friendly but busy. Oh and to top it off, we just had an election that made no sense to me. I’ve never been more disappointed in the Republican party in my lifetime. I won’t get into politics but I’ll tell you, that stuff is important to me and I think it’s our civic duty as Christians to be part of the political process. And the same old things that bother me during these times of course, bothered me again. Most of my friends and acquaintances are not just pro-choice but very much pro-abortion . So put all this emotion into one pot, and stir it up and you’ve got a person near despair.

We visited a church yesterday and the sermon kicked my butt. Ever heard one of those? I could write all day about it but this was one of the umpteen things that hit me. We become spiritually malnourished when we aren’t in the Bible. Yes, here’s my confession. I haven’t been reading my Bible. I know it’s important and I know it gives life. I know everything you could possibly tell me. More confession. I haven’t been reading it because I don’t want to find answers, I don’t want to find comfort. I’ve been angry and hurting and wanting to just put my head through a brick wall. Pain makes you do and think such weird things. And when you have no Christian community/ support in sight or in proximity, it can get pretty ugly. And how do you go about asking for support when you just met someone? That’s just plain impossible for me. And like many of you who have suffered with depression issues, the question always comes up, “Is it back?” It’s been nearly twelve months since I relapsed with significant depression. I am so angry that it is sneaking back in. But I haven’t been doing what I need to be doing. I haven’t been in the word. I haven’t wanted to talk to God about my pain. I just want Carolyn back. I just want some new friends. I want my old friends to call me. I want to find a church that loves Jesus and people. I want to have people in leadership of our country who value life and marriage and family. So here I am at the drawing board, confessing to you and to God today, that I need to get back in the word. God’s love for me far outweighs the love of any person on this planet. I think somehow in our sin nature we forget that. He knew us before we were born. He knows the number of hairs on our heads, even the gray ones. He knows the plans he has for us. He died for us so we could spend eternity with him.

Frankly, I’m sick of being malnourished because of my pride. I don’t want to admit that I’m hurting because then I really have to get to the bottom of it. Surely you can see that I’m only at the surface with this pain and that isn’t getting me anywhere. I dare you, if you need to be dared, to let God in on your pain. Sometimes there’s no one else around and I’ve often learned that God puts us in those situations on purpose so we won’t turn to people! I’m a people person to my core. God has to continually show me that he is enough.

I’m all over the map and I apologize. I have a head cold which isn’t helping me at all! Here are some scriptures I have to share with you today. I feel like God has a giant paint stick out, waiting to give me some swats.

Psalm 10:4
In his pride the wicked does not seek him, in all his thoughts (and grief!) there is no room for God.

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Proverbs 4:13
Hold onto instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life.

Proverbs 19:23
The fear of the LORD leads to life; Then one rests content, untouched by trouble, ( I don’t get that verse yet, I’m begging God to give me some insight.”

Proverbs 27:12
The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.

Proverbs 28:13-14
He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Blessed is the man who always fears the LORD, but he who hardens his heart falls into trouble.

Please pray for the softening of my heart and the joy of my salvation to be renewed. I’m exhausted of hurting and I feel like something is broken in me right now. Funny thing is I already knew who could fix it. It’s similar to the bad tooth I’ve had for months. I haven’t had a cavity in 25 years but I have had a whole in my tooth for months. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve been waking up at night in pain and struggling to eat lot of foods. I didn’t want to go to the dentist because I didn’t want him to yell at me for not brushing my teeth well, or loving Coke and Jolly Ranchers. I just didn’t want to hear it. Guess what? I didn’t hear it. He said it was most likely due to several factors that had nothing to do with my vices. Now my tooth is fixed. Still need to get a crown on it but I’m sleeping at night, not in constant pain either. Now I’m convinced that God isn’t going to yell at me either. And he’s way more concerned about my pain that that super nice dentist.

Be lifted! No more malnourishment...
Sue

Isaiah 12:1-6
...I will praise you, O LORD. Although you were angry with me, your anger has turned away and you have comforted me. Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. In that day you will say: “Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done, and proclaim that his name is exalted. Sing to the LORD, for he has done glorious things; let this be known to all the world. Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion, for great is the Holy One of Israel among you.”

A few have misunderstood what I wrote about my MN friends. OOPS. I guess what I meant was that I wanted people crying when I got there and crying when I left...just like me. I can cry enough for all of us.

No words

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 13:30:15 -0400

It’s not often that I’m at a loss for words. For those of you who know me personally, you know this to be true! I have nothing all that interesting to say today. I’ve been out of pocket for a while with our move. About ten days ago we got the keys to our house, started moving stuff out of our apartment and into the house. After about five days of that mess we drove to Minnesota to empty out our house. We arrived about ten o’clock Sunday night with the U-Haul. Now the fun begins. I am at a loss for words at how wonderful it was to see friends. It felt like we’d never left, like maybe we’d been on vacation. It was shocking at first and then it was comfortable. Now we’re “home” and I feel a tad lost. I know that new beginnings and fresh experiences are around the corner. Yesterday as I shared at a MOPS group meeting about my ordeal with PPD, I realized this season of life is eerily similar. I feel alone and misunderstood. I feel isolated and insufficient. I feel a tad lost. Sometimes we just have to lay it all out there for God. I don’t know where you are at today. Some of you are really hurting and you have no words to tell Him or anyone else how you feel. If it means anything at all I’ve been there and it wasn’t that long ago either. I remember wondering if I’d ever truly see the light of day again. Here, in this minor situation (by comparison) of transitioning to a new home, I smile to myself knowing full well that good things are coming. At the risk of sounding nuts, I bet the same thing is true for you. Maybe everything in your world has been awful and no one could even barely grasp an understanding of your pain. But God can. You don’t even need words for Him to understand.

Praying for you today,
Sue

Romans 8:26
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

Stretched

Fri, 3 Oct 2008 13:38:58 -0400

Wow, today has been weird! Okay, I have to admit it--I can be an idiot. Inside my mind, I was freaking out completely today. I spoke for a mom’s group here in Indiana. No one knew how to set up my computer and I freaked out. I spent 40 minutes trying every cord known to man and nothing worked. They even stalled but I just had to start. I should’ve been praying but I was sweating instead. Why was it so important? I’ve never done my presentation without my computer. Okay, I’ve done it twice but it was a whole different set-up. I wasn’t prepared to do it without my handy dandy slides. God stretched me and I did it, In my opinion, this was the worst presentation I’ve ever given. I started crying 10 minutes into it and it rattled me. I couldn’t quite recover. But God got me through it. And there were lots of people laughing and listening. And when it was over, there were great discussions all over the room. People got useful information and they were uplifted, what else matters? I’m a perfectionist and sometimes I can be horribly hard on myself. But God stretched me today. I was ready in my heart and everything worked out the way He wanted it to anyway.

Joshua 3:5
Consecrate yourselves and tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you.

Be lifted!

Sue

Great video I found today:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yr7i5L6kFT0

Great checklist

Wed, 1 Oct 2008 15:15:03 -0400

http://www.thefreelibrary.com/Handout:+the+mills+depression+and+anxiety+checklist%5Bc%5D.+(Postpartum...-a093698426

Someone asked me for a good checklist of PPD symptoms, this is a great one.

Denial

Wed, 1 Oct 2008 14:38:37 -0400

I chatted with an old buddy on Facebook today and it’s been bothering me ever since. I wish I could earn a doctorate in human psychology so I could better understand the brain and how it functions. I have a dear friend who has been in denial for months about her postpartum depression. Even after reconnecting with me and knowing what I’ve been through, she put on a happy face and acted like everything was fine. I don’t know what it is but denial is a huge part of PPD. It’s like we really think it will just disappear one day. Like we can wish it away. Like it’s nothing really. Like we can brush it off, blow it off, ignore it. Maybe some people can heal without any help or acknowledgment of their problem...but I don’t think most people can. I don’t know why we don’t seek help right away. It makes me crazy. I don’t begin to understand the psychology involved.

I need to back up. After I went to Canada and did 100 Huntley Street, someone e-mailed the station, pretty upset about something I said on television. Yes, there are doctors who will laugh at you or treat you like your situation isn’t important or significant. Yes, there are!! I’ve met a couple of them along the way. But you know yourself better than anyone. If you aren’t well, seek out help. Don’t deny it. Don’t ignore it. Do you want to be well? Then find a doctor who cares about your health. Be proactive about your health. There are wonderful doctors who care about you and your family and who want to see your health restored. You have to be an advocate for yourself. Who else is going to be?

This may sound crazy to some of you but I’m praying for you. Those of you I know by name, I’m praying for you by name today. But for those in denial, like I once was, I’m saying a special prayer for you today.

Psalm 3:3
But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.

Be lifted!
Sue

Blessings from Georgia

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 14:00:11 -0400

People are quite open with me when I meet them face to face but I rarely hear from people by phone or e-mail who’ve read my book or blogs. I was incredibly blessed by a sweet lady in Georgia today who sent me an e-mail. She reminded me of some pretty important things and I want to share them with you.

PPD doesn’t last forever. I am not going to pretend with you...I thought my PPD would last forever. I thought that God would stay with me but that I’d never get better. I never even considered asking him to heal me, at least not at first. When I was diagnosed it felt like a diabetes diagnosis-like I’d have to continually manage it. When you feel that bad for that long you do start to give up on thinking you’ll ever be yourself again. But hold on and hold on to HIM, it will end. Mine lasted for close to 18 months and I did have a significant relapse after that time, but I’m well now! It doesn’t last forever, I promise. Now some people do suffer with depression their whole life, that’s a different thing. But postpartum depression doesn’t last forever. If it hangs on a long time, you probably have other things going on. Maybe your blood sugar is off. Maybe your thyroid is freaking out. Maybe your hormone levels are out of whack. Take care of yourself and get to the bottom of it. I met someone who says she’s had PPD for six years. If that’s true (I’m NOT a doctor) then you should be seeking help, constantly, until you feel better.
Fear is not from God. Again, I’m not going to pretend with you. During the worst time of my depression, I was filled with fear. My mind was broken and I had no idea what to expect in the future. The brief psychosis I experienced was terrifying. Had any delusions lately? It’s uncomfortable at best and menacing on top of that. You don’t feel any control of yourself. But all out fear is not from God. I was scared but I replaced my scary thoughts with Scripture. Whenever I felt afraid I called on God’s name. Eventually I felt peace even though I should’ve felt fear. It didn’t happen overnight I assure you. I am grateful that I always felt His presence. Seek Him and you will find Him. He isn’t hiding. A special verse for me, concerning fear is 1 John 4:18- There is no fear is love, but perfect love drives out fear...
We may never know who we are blessing. I am blessed when I find out my book has helped someone or my blog has blessed someone. PPD is a lonely monster. Knowing that anyone on the planet has felt like you do and that they are well is a gift. I remember reading Brooke Shields’ book: Down Came the Rain and feeling like I had a friend, like I really knew her. I didn’t read it because she’s a celebrity. I read it because I read reviews that said she wrote from her heart and was completely open about her experience. She blessed me immeasurably because I got a sense of hope from her. What’s our hope as Christian mothers? Our real hope is Christ. He is our strength. He is our comfort. He is our healer. He is our sustainer and friend. These are things he provides that no one else really can. I feel so strongly about my experience with Christ during my time of PPD that I want to share it with others. I want them to be blessed by God’s love and comfort. But because I wrote a book, I may never know who I’m blessing. And when I do find out, my heart leaps with joy!
There is goodness in the land of the living! I only had a few fleeting moments of contemplating suicide. I don’t recall wanting to actually do it but it hurt so much to live. I saw no way out of my pain. I felt like I was living in the land of the walking dead. That’s how serious my experience was. I felt removed from the living, happy people. I had lost all interest in life and all that I used to do. I couldn’t have conversations with people. I got lost when I was driving. I couldn’t make dinner or shop very well. I was inefficient in all my responsibilities at home. I didn’t socialize. Whenever my kids were at school and the baby was asleep, I cried my eyes out til it hurt in my gut. Sometimes I would stare at the wall, trying to feel something besides the numbness in my heart. I dreaded when he would awake because I knew I had to pull myself together. See what I mean? I wasn’t living at all. Slowly but surely I started living again and I clung to this verse: Psalm 27:13 I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Eventually I did see more and more of God’s goodness as I sought Him with all my might.

Thank you, sister in Georgia. YOU never know who you might have blessed today!

Be lifted!
Sue

Proverbs 18:21
The tongue has the power of life and death...

Now go bless someone!

The power of God’s word

Fri, 19 Sep 2008 09:11:19 -0400

I was recently asked during an interview, “How did God sustain you during postpartum depression?” Seems like an easy question and an easy answer but I just sat there, barely able to muster a response. I felt like I often do during Sunday School, “Are you sure you want me to answer that? We could be here awhile.” But for my purpose here I’ll try to keep it short. I never get tired of seeing how many different ways the word of God applies to little ole me. So much of Scripture (I’m excluding some of the lineage stuff) applies to all of us in our various needs. One thing means one thing to me and a totally different thing to you. But the power comes from God. He is able to meet all our needs. That’s a lot of needs. Some are suffering with infertility, others miscarriage, others still postpartum illnesses. Some are suffering with cancer or their parents are. Alzheimer’s, old age, financial stress, apathy from friends, lack of friends, death, death of children. I could go on forever I suppose. There is so much pain in this world. But God’s love can sustain us. I believe God chooses to take us through the tough times as a process of purifying us. He could surely make it all better and make it all go away. But then we wouldn’t be purified or grow closer and more dependent on Him. He wants us digging in his word, desperate to find him. I know it’s tough, believe me I do--but trust that God is bringing great things out of you as a result of your pain and suffering. He’s not doing it just to be mean. My new friend, Moira Brown, said God is “cruel to be kind.” I haven’t made sense of that completely but I know for myself that life’s hardest times have brought character to my life. And with my postpartum depression it brought healing to other parts of my life because I discovered therapy! Never underestimate what God is up to and what he’s capable of. He loves you. Trust that.

Be lifted!

Here’s a dear passage my friend, Moira, shared with me. This emphasis is mine, I don’t know how to stop emphasizing things!! My sister is trying to help me...

Job 36:15-16
But those who suffer he delivers them IN their suffering, he speaks to them IN their affliction. He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food.

Something small

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 15:47:45 -0400

Something’s really been bothering me. Why don’t we consistently do the small things? I was recently asked, “What on earth can we do, as friends, to help women suffering with postpartum depression?” My gut reaction was, “Just be there with her.” Isn’t that how we’re supposed to live life? Just be there for our friends. Do little things like send cards, make phone calls, take over supper or cookies, have coffee. There isn’t a magic solution to fixing everyone’s problems. God is the only one who can fix things. We are so silly when we think we can fix things. It’s easy when we can fix things. But it’s difficult and often painful to just be there for people. Being there takes time and often the healing process people have to go through takes months and years. We don’t have the patience of stamina to stick it out with friends. Or do we? If there’s someone you love and you want to be there for them, ask God for the strength. He will surely give it to you. We invest in what’s important to us. What are you investing in? Shopping? Bargain hunting? Exercising? Working? Fixing things? Loving people? Look at your checkbook, look at your calendar; now, can you see what’s important to you? I dare you to do something small for someone this week. Look around you. There are lonely, desperate, hurting, dying, crying, frustrated, homeless, jobless, loveless people; they are there. It could be anyone around you. Your dentist, your physical therapist, the clerk at Wal-Mart, the librarian, a guy at work you’ve never talked to, a new couple at church,a single person in your neighborhood. It could be someone you know quite well but you feel inadequate to address their needs. I’ve been there. There are so many people available to us to show God’s love to. Look around you and do it. It will surely please God!

Be lifted!

Galatians 6:10
...as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

More 100 Huntley Street!!

Mon, 8 Sep 2008 14:35:47 -0400

Here’s the link to watch my Sept. 5th interview on 100 Huntley Street in Burlington, CANADA!

http://www.crossroads.ca/broadcas/program.php

I cannot begin to express what a wonderful experience this was for me. I’m actually aching today because I wish I knew someone in Indiana to celebrate with me! The people who work for 100 Huntley Street are fabulous Christian people. I couldn’t wrap my mind around their kindness and openness. I will forever be changed because of the time God let me spend with them.

Some of you will want the details so let me share. Before I left the states I found out from my colleague, Thelma Wells, that she’d been on the show! I couldn’t pretend to imagine that these people would allow me to sit on the same couch as Thelma. That just didn’t make any sense to me. I wondered if they’d known what they’d gotten themselves into...it only gets worse! When I walked into the Crossroads Communications building I almost passed out. They had a few hallways covered with signed photographs of people, quite famous people. I saw Geoff Moore, First Call, and tons of people. What struck me the hardest was seeing a picture of Billy Graham. I almost stopped breathing. Where was I at?

Then I went to make-up. I figured that’s where I would meet the ladies who would be interviewing me. I did meet them there but I had make-up put on by a pro, too. How crazy is that? I thought I’d feel like a goober next to these beauties but I didn’t. God helped me to feel just fine as the goober I am. My heart was pure, my motives were pure, and I felt like a million bucks going into the interview. Did I mention I bought a new suit because I’m down a size in my clothes!!??

I met Bill Bray, the producer. He loved saying my last name with an exaggerated Scottish accent. Somehow his very presence calmed the nerves that had kept me up for three nights straight. I followed him around like a puppy dog because he simply made me feel comfortable. It also made me comfortable to be around the first lady I met, Ann Mainse. She went to High School in Missouri, Kickapoo in Springfield. I couldn’t wait to tell her how many Kickapoo girls I beat in track but it never came up. But knowing we were from the same part of the world and she knew where my hometown was, that calmed me, too. I had begged God to bring something about to calm me down. He brought me Bill and Ann.

But then came prayer time, minutes before we went on air. I thought I was going to pass out and bawl at the same time. I was overcome with gratitude and I wasn’t sure how to express it. I also knew this was my one big shot to share my message of hope and I had no idea what they were going to ask me or focus on. Ann told me to think about all the women who were listening and what I wanted to get across to them. I told myself, “I can’t do that, I’ve got to think about baseball.” I knew I’d cry through the whole thing if I focused on those people. I ended up thinking about them the whole time and I only had one tear. I even had the privilege to pray for any hurting people that might have been watching.

I could write so much more but it would get old for you. Let me just say, God is good. He has been good to me. He has given me so much energy and drive and love. I want everyone to hear me say, “God is good.” Stop for a minute and think about this, how has God been good to you? I had to do that today, too. I’m feeling horribly lonely here in our new place and I’m desperate to go “home.” God’s already had to knock me upside the head today and reminded me to give thanks for what he’s done for me and not complain about what I wish I had.

Be lifted.
Sue

Ephesians 6:19-20
Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel...pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

100 Huntley Street!

Tue, 2 Sep 2008 16:08:38 -0400

It’s hard to express the anticipation that I’m experiencing. But boy I’m going to try. A long time ago (it seems) I heard from a colleague about this super Canadian television program called 100 Huntley Street. I automatically checked it out and printed off forms to apply to be a guest. I saw all the forms and the required questions and thought, “Wow, this is out of my league.” I then put the forms in a file and tossed them aside for about six weeks. One day I asked God, “What do you have for me to do?” I felt there was something big God had in store so I labored in prayer through the night. The next day I got the itch to clean out papers and such. Guess what I ran across? That file. It’s as if it had neon lights on it saying, “Fill these out today.” I filled out the papers and got to work on all the other things I needed to send in to the station. I got copies of other television interviews I’d done and copies of radio interviews as well. I sent in a CD of a few speaking events of mine. And I sent in my book. I prayed as I dropped that package in the mail. I remember my youngest child asking me what it was I was sending. I smiled and simply said, “Just some papers. Mommy’s probably going to Canada.” Why did I say probably? Most likely because I know how these things work. People like Gary Smalley and Thelma Wells and Kevin Lehman have been on this show. I prayed knowing full well that if God wanted me in Canada it would happen, even if I am on the B team! (Do they still have C teams??) Seriously, God has prepared me through other interviews and I anticipated from day one that this would work out. A few months went by and we moved to Indiana. We had a million things to do and I told most people my forwarding address etc. but a few people fell through the cracks. I never thought of contacting people at 100 Huntley Street. They only had my old e-mail and old phone number. It would’ve made perfect sense if we lost touch. It gets better. I kept getting e-mails on my closed Comcast account from Minnesota. I even called them twice and said I’m getting e-mail on an account that is inactive, that I’m no longer paying for. They told me I was crazy and that was impossible. Okay, they didn’t say I was crazy but they DID say it was impossible. For some reason it bothered me to no end that I kept getting e-mail that I wasn’t paying for. Then one day I got an e-mail from Jennifer Taylor. I had no idea who it was and then I saw the subject line. I knew then and there why my Comcast account had kept working. God is sooooo good and sometimes we see it in the strangest of ways. Not strange I guess, just unexpected. I’ll stop the long story and just tell you that God is good and I’m pumped!!! I can’t wait to tell a ton of people how God has blessed my life and healed me completely from postpartum depression. He is the lifter of my head and deserves more glory that this C teamer can express in a 20 minute interview! Thank you, Lord, for this chance. Last week I shared a quote from Jesse Owens, “One chance is all you need.” Funny thing how nothing is left to chance with God. He knew it all along.. that this is where I was headed with Him!

Be lifted!
Be praying!

Sue

2 Corinthians 12:9
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.